You Damn Millennials

As the great Peter Griffin once (or five hundred, who’s counting?) said, “You know what really grinds my gears?” For me, there are lots of things, but for the sake of this post, let’s begin and end with you damn millennials. Now, according to one source, millennials are person(s) born roughly between the years 1980-2004, which (unfortunately), makes me one of you assholes. By no means am I suggesting that I completely devalue our generation, as we have done spectacular things for the world. However, I will say that I detest a lot of our behavioral trends. We as a whole aren’t all bad, but, we too could be doing better, blazing a more admirable path for the future generation(s), while not being so damn self involved in a time where community is blatantly necessary. So, hear me out, as you damn millennials often despise doing.

Ever play a video game series titled The Sims? Well, if you haven’t, you basically create an avatar and run them around a fake world, leading a fake life that you are creating through simulated interactions with other fake people to ensure that you stay happy, albeit temporarily, in real life. It’s kind of like playing Madden in franchise mode on rookie, knowing that everything you are about to “accomplish” is complete bull manure, but you’re going to go through with it anyways. To me, that is exactly what social media has turned us (y'all) into. A live action version of The Sims. Everything that goes onto these sites aren’t very genuine in their core, but rather, being published for likes, ego boosts, an ensuing argument, false support, etc. Now, these platforms have made stars of ordinary people, but generally speaking, it’s full of narcissists coming up with alternate personalities to substitute for the not so glamorous lives they’re leading in reality, and quite frankly, I’m tired of it. Also, the fact that some people feel the need to vent publicly about things that the “world” ought not know infuriates me. Not in a sense that I get really upset about it, but more so, embarrassed for us as a generation. How can the likes of being sexually deprived, relationship ups and downs, half naked (for free!) men and women, explicit racist remarks, uneducated opinions, and children being used as pawns to orchestrate page views be viewed as the norm? And don’t even get me started on the whole meme insensitivity. It’s all fake, all of it.

Another thing that you damn millennials do that annoys the hell outta me is show up everywhere with your stupid smart phones and proceed to take (and post) 90 fucking pictures and videos of the same damn thing! Like, you all don’t know how to just be in a place and soak in the ambiance and aura of the environment. You want to be the coolest person on your fake friends “TL”, so you record it for that purpose rather than immersing yourself into the memory and living to tell about it later. I mean, a few pics and videos are cool, as long as they’re for your keepsake, not for everyone else to be force fed for your two hours of relevance. There’s other people behind you at the concert that paid their good money too, and don’t want to be in your ugly selfie, geez. Also, don’t come to the park and expect people to halt their dog walk so that you can take lame nature photos on your mediocre iPhone camera, go home, loser.

You know what else? You’ve all gotten soft. Well, not ALL, but most of you. Remember when our people used to fight the good fight physically? Get the crap beaten out of them? Go to prison for days on end? Water hosed? Attacked by dogs? Spat on? Where the hell is our fight, man? We swear that having something trending and hash tagging the hell out of it is some sort of justice, NO! You think people care that #BlackLivesMatter on the Twitter? No, they think you’re an idiot. Explain to me what exactly sitting on a computer does after hundreds of human beings are being murdered by law enforcement do to prevent that? Don’t worry, I’ll wait. Our ancestors and predecessors fought for freedom, equality and community, none of which we’ve completely gotten, yet, somehow this fact eludes the general public. We MUST continue the good fight, almost just isn’t good enough. There is so much to be done, yet little to no effort is being taken by what could be the greatest generation of innovators and game changers to date. Entitlement is an olive branch to “The Man” in our uphill battle, I have to do more and so do you. No longer can we sit back and allow others to raise our children, “teach” our children, run our communities, patrol our streets or provide proper nutrition. We have to break the cycle of attrition and become whole again. Infiltrate the very system(s) that have long oppressed us as a people. We can’t be soft, we can’t. If we continue this trajectory, there is zero hope for the future, zero hope for our grandchildren. And let me tell you something, there is only one emotion greater than fear, that’s hope. So, are you just scared, you damn millennials?

Finally, you damn millennials and your “dating” practices. Admittedly, I will be a tad hypocritical here, seeing as I’ve been a bachelor for almost 4 years running now. No matter the case, never have I been anything less than an honest gentlemen, regardless of the outcome. What the hell is “Netflix and Chill”!? Seriously people? Your definition of going out is taking an Uber to someone’s (poorly maintained) apartment, drinking a little (poorly selected) booze and watching re-runs of someone’s (poorly chosen) favorite TV show -that was cancelled midway through Season 3- until one of you Bozo’s decide it’s time to involve yourselves in (poorly executed) fornication. Really, you damn millennials!? You know who invented “Netflix and Chill”? Not cool people, elderly people. How do I know this? Simply because no functional, energy filled person in their right mind wants to hang out, watch Netflix and fuck all day when there’s a big world out there inviting you to have sex upon it. Take her out to the lake, the highest point in the city, the museum, the park. All of these things are free and far more romantic than the former. Do you guys still buy women flowers and greet them at the door? No? You send some lousy “downstairs” or “outside” text and then get upset when she’s not ready. You big dummy! She’s not supposed to be, she’s a woman. While you’re busy texting your lame friends about what you aren’t going to spend, she thinks you’re kind of a douche already. Way to go, cool guy. Tell her how beautiful she is, women like that shit, especially the “morning after”. No, you don’t go online and tattle tale about your endeavors, be a gentleman, you damn millennial. Ladies, don’t think you’re excused, not at all. You don’t for a second think that because the first several dates or “hang outs” went extremely well that he is the guy that was sent from Narnia to save you from all other scums of life. No good man wants that kind of pressure on them, no matter how beautiful a person you (think you) are. Play it cool, continue to be you, say “no” once in a while, make him work for you and ensure he wants you before you go diving off the deep end. You damn millennials have lost touch with romanticism, and it’s unacceptable. Bring back chivalry, bring back the ladies, bring back flowers, bring back genuine approach, bring back love letters, bring back sensitivity, bring back dinner for two, bring back laughing in public, bring back putting your phone away at the table, bring back calling each other, bring back love, you damn millennials.