A Beginners Guide on How to Clean Your Pad (And Keep it that Way)

To know me is to love me, unless you have been my roommate, of course. It’s not that I am a messy guy, in fact, it is the exact opposite. A former roommate, who I like to call “The Skateboarding Vampire”, would argue that I have borderline obsessive compulsive disorder, seeing as I cannot and absolutely refuse to live in clutter or filth. He’s a borderline asshole though, so take his opinion with a grain of salt. No matter the rookie prognosis, one must keep his pad clean, not only for myself, but the threat of company is always looming when you are living the lifestyle I have chosen. Honestly, I LOVE cleaning. Turning on the stereo system, bumping some Prince or Curren$y, whichever I’m in the mood for, and a couple hours later the smell of clean in the air before sparking up and relaxing peacefully. That’s just me though. Now, these instructional tips aren’t specifically for the bachelors and bachelorettes, but rather, they are universal to help establish and maintain a clean living space. The list will begin with the most important spaces of your residence and end with the least important (in my estimation). Here’s your guide to keeping your crib cluster free, you lazy bum.

Kitchen: The absolute most important room in the entire pad, period. How can you offer someone (let alone yourself) a drink or snack when it looks like an ant paradise in your area of food prep? I’m cool, bruh. Keep your germs over there. If the kitchen isn’t clean, you are not to be trusted as a human. Okay, that statement is a little harsh, but seriously, allow me to help you get your shit together. The first (and best) method we are going to implement is the wash while you cook method. It’s as obvious as it’s title would suggest, you wash the dishes as you finish using them during food prep and making the dish you’re probably botching being the mediocre chef that you are. Secondly, the stove top should be wiped down after every use. That would seemingly be common sense, huh? Not so much. You don’t want that gunk building up, those grease stains setting in or the irons getting filthy black. You should also be cleaning your oven every two months to keep it from doing the same. All that char, burnt crumbs, and the tater tot you dropped awhile ago can definitely lower it’s performance and alter the taste of your dish. Sweeping should be done every time you wash dishes, while mopping should be done once a week.

Bathroom: Personally, my favorite room in the pad. Why? Because it’s the room that people will judge your character the most based upon. Majority of all visitors will eventually use this space and if the style matches the cleanliness, it can win you lots of home cred. Also, when you are uncomfortable with someone, whether at their residence or yours, where do you go to get your head in the game? Now, imagine going in and it’s a shit show (pun intended). How do you ever bounce back from that as a host? Guest? I’ll answer that for ya, you can’t. First things first, go to the dollar store and get these supplies: disinfectant wipes, tub/toilet cleaner, pack of sponges, toilet bowl cleaner, and a couple rugs as well. You’re going to clean your tub thoroughly every week. I mean, you shower everyday (sometimes more than once), right? That’s a whole lot of dirt coming off of you, man. Your toilet should be wiped down cosmetically every other day and it’s bowl cleaned weekly. It can be pearly white most of the time and you do not want to see it become a darker shade, ew. You should also be sweeping and mopping weekly, no question. Your sink is not a fucking toilet. You do not spit in your sink, that’s beyond disgusting. People drink from there, wash their face there, and you want to spit all over the place? ‘Ol nasty mouth ass. Spit in the toilet, please. Anyways, wipe your sink and counter (if applicable) down every two days. Something I too have learned over time is that people hate trying to remove hair from fresh cuts/linings out of the sink, so I now lay a designated towel over the area where I’ll be trimming so that all I have to do is remove the towel and my sink is still clean. If you ladies have any tips regarding your hair, please share. Lastly, make sure you lay those rugs near the shower exit and in front of the sink mirror. This is to reduce the water tracks that may seem innocent on it’s surface, but can cause some damage and water spots, depending on the floor type.

Living Room: What is supposed to be the coziest and busiest room in the house is surprisingly the easiest to clean. You simply pick stuff up and put it where it belongs. Vacuuming may be the hardest thing to do, but even that is a minor task. That’s it. That’s all.

Bedroom: Reading. Fornicating. Sleeping. Those are the uses of the bedroom. Anything else and you’re doing it wrong. It should always be organized to your liking, though keeping it that way can be a drag. My rule is, when I get home for the day, unless spontaneous events should occur, I take off my clothes and place them back on their hangars, shelves or laundry bin accordingly. This saves you the trouble of having a pile of randomness later on in the week that you’ll surely dread sorting through. The closet is vital too, as you should hang clothes by occasion (work, club, gym, etc.) so that it is easy to fish out an outfit when duty calls. Same for your dresser drawers, with socks, ties, underwear, tee shirts, pajamas/house-wear all found in their own places. Sweeping/mopping or vacuuming can be done as often as you see fit, depending on the level of necessity in your layer.

So, there you have it. My friendly advice on efficiently and effectively keeping you pad free of mess and filth, so that you may enjoy it, as well as the people you invite to do the same.